For Whom the Bell Tolls Read online

Is fundamentally unsound,

  A nether-world where lies abound

  And untruths ricochet around

  Consistent with the morals of a whorehouse.

  The globalisation

  Of disinformation

  Through which mendacities take wing

  With malice, guile and cunning,

  Leaves Truth abed and slumbering

  While Falsehood’s up and running.

  Time Passing

  When I was three,

  Wild and carefree,

  My clothes were muddles

  On an unmade bed,

  I jumped in puddles

  And looked ahead

  To the joys in store

  The toys and treasures

  And unknown pleasures

  Of being four.

  Now that I am seventy three

  I’m not the man I used to be,

  Burned too many candles,

  Knew too many scandals,

  Scoundrels and vandals

  And so much futile bloody war,

  From where I’ve been

  And what I’ve seen

  I’m not sure that I’m all that keen

  On being seventy four.

  So many years have passed, leaving so few,

  I may have months or only days to do,

  And so, grown miserly beyond all measure,

  I fear to draw

  Upon this store

  Of ever-dwindling treasure.

  What’s now a slog was once a caper,

  The less we have the more we spend;

  Life’s like a roll of toilet paper:

  It unwinds faster at the end.

  Index of first lines

  A Balkan Stalingrad – as Serbian tanks 22

  Across the Caribbean Sea 120

  A curse of malediction plagues the net. 98

  A feckless pastor in the Sunshine State 112

  A man of words drew on his wide experience 103

  Americans don’t leave their foes to wonder, 60

  Amid the papers’ patriotic noise 176

  And so at last the prison door 46

  A quiet life may be a privilege, 93

  A replay of the politics of class 75

  A rule of war is that straight lines on maps 130

  At first they tried to argue that AV 85

  At school he didn’t join the CCF 8

  Because timidity invites disgrace, 152

  Being an Honourable Member for four years, 45

  Being naive and new to Parliament 173

  Children of Munich – I am one of them, 64

  Consider it aesthetically 179

  Consider the advances we have made, 63

  Dark and pungent, dense and glutinous, 36

  Declining years? So be it. We’ll decline 133

  Don’t mourn his death but mark it, understood 89

  Do you remember there were books? 97

  Dunwich beneath the sea; a castle wall 121

  Events are not free-standing any more, 88

  Felled by a roadside bomb he never saw, 58

  Flat screen or hand held, such a multitude 96

  For all those years the business worked just fine: 117

  For fifty years we swallowed whole the myth 95

  George Orwell would have loved it. Where he worked, 74

  Gold-plated David Cameron, 80

  Heart of Darkness was his masterpiece; 124

  He had all of the leadership ingredients 78

  He leans to thee with fragile courtesy, 100

  He made his reputation in committee; 53

  Here was a man who lived not by the sword 28

  He sat before me in a guarded cell, 26

  He seemed a decent sort, upright and staid, 40

  He was installed Chief of the General Staff 54

  He wrote his operas to great acclaim, 35

  ‘I am a lawyer from Burkina Faso; 122

  I am assertive, you are aggressive, 164

  Ian Duncan Smith 48

  I booked a train, but then a cursed fault, 101

  I drove at speed across the airport runway, 23

  I filled in loan agreements by the yard, 151

  If you achieve your three score years and ten, 168

  If you’re in the front line you live by the minute 162

  If you should seek the Holy Grail 163

  If you should wonder why we breathed our last, 9

  I have a friend who keeps an old toast rack 150

  I have a friend who lives outdoors, 171

  I have no prejudice or rancour 132

  I met a girl on one of Cunard’s ships 145

  I’m suffering from visitor’s tristesse, 102

  Indifferent to the people’s warning, 39

  In discharge of their parliamentary duties, 44

  In fifty years I never played the hero 18

  Ingenious nations have devised a plan 123

  In matters of the heart my life’s a drag: 165

  In the tradition of the music hall 10

  Iraq, Afghanistan, now Libya too, 4

  I saw myself from forty years ago 136

  I scanned the news from Camden Town to Morden: 137

  I see the nation is entranced by Cheryl 138

  I still remember the searchlights 180

  It almost seemed an age of innocence 41

  It had the aspect of a high romance, 21

  It is a measure of our country’s health 86

  It is to me a cause of deepest regret 32

  It started out in warfare and mayhem 141

  It was the dateline that defined the antics 125

  It was the ultimate war zone hotel, 24

  I used to think, till I met Angelina, 166

  I’ve seen it on the news and so it’s true, 113

  I wish I had my own duck house, 42

  Most of the TV news I see is rather 177

  My venerable encyclopaedia, 186

  News-chasing then, we’d hit the airport running, 110

  No love was lost ’twixt Liberals and Tories, 80

  No need to whip the poor backbencher 38

  Once in a war I took a double hit, 147

  One day beneath a tree in Costa Rica 32

  One day in autumn 1964, 15

  One night in Tottenham we crossed a border 1

  On one side stood the hammer and the sickle 82

  Our democratic record’s rather poor: 84

  Our hard-faced rulers urge that we should fund them 132

  ‘Please take a seat, Prime Minister, and stay, 7

  Power’s a narcotic and an elixir, 160

  Prime Minister Anthony Lynton Blair 49

  Remember before Agincourt the thrust 72

  Republicans have all the arguments: 135

  Satisfactory 104

  Since seagulls are so common everywhere, 32

  So fallen are we that our culture 172

  Somewhere between Exeter and Reading 143

  Somewhere remote and safe, out in the sticks, 47

  Swamping the airwaves with their lies, 85

  The Americans, sensing trouble up ahead, 69

  The Arctic island functions like a freezer, 127

  The band plays and the medals glisten, 158

  The Bible (King James version) and Shakespeare 143

  The Big Man called his people to the square, 17

  The cat looked up at the bird in its nest, 33

  The claim was clear, without a
caveat, 51

  The danger level was high and rising higher, 31

  The difference between Brits and Germans 167

  The doomed 18th Division went to war 59

  The Emperor Nero 182

  The first girl whom I met was Charity 146

  The first of life’s inspections that I failed 12

  The flag-draped coffins now exceed twelve score 57

  The flags were lowered, one by one, 19

  The Generals of my youth were bright and zestful, 68

  The golden rule for those reporting war 116

  The great George Orwell got it right: corruption 73

  The Honourable Humphrey Ponsonby MP, 70

  Their dreams of war, straight from the silver screen, 65

  The Major General cut himself while shaving, 11

  The nerves of Norwich fans could not be steelier; 34

  The operations of the Digger 3

  The operation’s winning minds and hearts, 56

  The People’s Palace is a fortress 155

  The poorest country in the hemisphere 118

  The practice of politicians that gives us the most bother 52

  There is a time for peace, a time for war, 91

  There once was a great fantasist 48

  There once was a man so uxorious 170

  There once was a native waterway so angular, 181

  There was a time, in the Staff College courses, 87

  The soldier, being asked to draw his sword, 50

  The sound of seagulls plays on a loop in the Carlton Beach Hotel, 161

  The television networks are programmed 108

  The times are sadly out of joint, 79

  The two canals’ biography 129

  The Typhoons and Tornados overhead 66

  The valleys celebrate and hills 135

  The watchword of the times is Coalition, 81

  The white house glimmers through the trees: 99

  The world’s remotest island – cliffs of granite, 128

  They asked if I wished to sign the book of condolence 174

  They found a game remarkably like cricket 131

  They guarantee the sun at any price, 94

  They had no meaning ethical or moral 30

  They looted clothes and trainers, mobile phones, 2

  They’re partial to the martial metaphor, 76

  They turn up in their combats, clean and pressed, 106

  Though some of what they play is quite sublime, 142

  Three mandarins and two professors 6

  Three score and ten, I’m feeling mortal, 153

  Time was, the swordsman and the musketeer 71

  To say they didn’t like to leave their horses 20

  True love begins where their affections merge, 148

  Twinkle twinkle little star 178

  Union President, Secretary of State 156

  Wandering and alone her mother found her, 90

  We came upon it in the midst of war, 25

  We can’t afford a future like our past, 62

  We followed him, as the half-blinded must; 5

  We knew his scowl, his cold contempt, his swagger, 27

  We noticed they were booted and were spurred 107

  We’re governed by a ruling class 157

  Were you ever a soldier, 159

  We sold them armaments and armoured cars, 16

  We spend our lives in trivial pursuits 109

  We tend to cringe so much and self-berate 140

  We’ve Members we could do without 83

  ‘What lessons should I learn if my ambition 67

  When first I walked in past the grand statues, 37

  When he was only four my grandson Max, 139

  When I am gone, I hope you’ll pause a minute 154

  When I served in the ranks the then CO 14

  When I set out it was a simpler time: 115

  When it comes to rating great Norwegians 184

  When I was three, 187

  When the old man died she took it personally, as an act of infidelity, 185

  When words are out there on their own, 169

  Where once a trading post slept in the sand, 126

  With a despatch box as their prize 175

  With clichés scattered over a wide area, 144

  You brought me joy and grief, you fickle female, 149

  Index of titles

  Absurdistan 123

  Acronym, The 177

  Aesthetics 179

  Agincourt 72

  Alice 167

  Alternative Vote (1), The 84

  Alternative Vote (2), The 85

  Alternative Vote (3), The 85

  Anagrams 103

  Appeasement 64

  Arab Spring 88

  Arkan 28

  Armagh 17

  Babylon 120

  Backbencher, The 38

  Bad News 113

  Ballade of Old Age 133

  Banker, The 132

  Baseball 131

  Bash on Regardless 12

  Behind Bars 46

  Bird’s Nest 33

  Black Swans 91

  Blogosphere, The 98

  Blue Skies 94

  Border Lines 130

  Bought and Sold 40

  Brief Encounter 47

  Call Signs 14

  Canaries, The 34

  Cat, The 171

  Cavalry, The 20

  Celebrity Protection Force, The 137

  Censorship 108

  Chain of Command 11

  Challenges and Issues 73

  Cheryl 138

  Chilcot Committee, The 6

  Classic FM 142

  Class Warfare 75

  Cleggmania 82

  Clerihew 49

  Clerihews 182

  Coalition (1) 80

  Coalition (2) 80

  Coalition (3) 81

  Congo 124

  Credo 152

  Datelines 125

  Death of News, The 110

  Decisions 140

  DQF 74

  Drone, The 178

  Dubai 126

  Due Process 50

  Egret, The 32

  End Game 149

  Enemy, The 180

  Epitaph 154

  Ex-minister, The 156

  False Prophet 5

  Foreboding 62

  Forty Five Minutes 51

  Forty Years On 8

  Garden Party 158

  George Osborne MP 173

  Giuseppe Verdi 35

  Golden Age 117

  Haiti 118

  Hearts and Minds 56

  History 67

  Holiday Inn Sarajevo 24

  House of Commons 155

  Iceland 127

  Idi Amin 18

  Illusion 99

  In Memoriam 9

  In Northern Yemen 90

  Jerusalem 83

  Journey, The 10

  Karadzic on Trial 26

  Kindle, The 97

  Kurt Schork 106

  Language 143

  Laptop Bombardier 159

  Lesson, The 4

  Libya 66

  Lighthouse, The 69

  Limerick (1): WMD 48

  Limerick (2): IDS 48

  Limericks 170

  Lines 100

  Loitering Munitions 60

  London’s Burning 1

  Look East 15

  Lu
cky Escape 23

  Margaret Thatcher RIP 174

  Max 139

  Medal Parade 68

  Middle Ground 93

  Mightier than the Sword 169

  Minister of State 53

  Mission Impossible 163

  Moonshine 65

  More or Less 116

  Mother Tongue 143

  Muammar Gaddafi 1942–2011 160

  Murdochracy 3

  Museum Piece 151

  My Mother 185

  Neutrality 112

  New Labour 79

  Nigeria 16

  Norway 184

  Nuclear Option, The 63

  Odd People 86

  Ode to Marmite 36

  On Entering Parliament 37

  Osama Bin Laden 89

  Paddy Ashdown 78

  Painted Lady 145

  Phone Hacking 176

  Point of Departure 153

  Political Class 157

  Political Gymnastics 52

  Political Romance, A 21

  Politicians 175

  Politicians’ Call-up 76

  Principal Witness 7

  Prisoners of War 59

  Pythagoras 181

  Radio Five Live 141

  Radio Set 168

  Ratko Mladic 27

  Regrets 45

  Reporters’ Retreat 107

  Requiem 39

  Retreat from Basra 54

  Retrospective 136

  Rifleman, The 58

  Riotous Illiteracy 2

  Royal Wedding (1) 135

  Royal Wedding (2) 135

  Rules of War 87

  Screens 96

  Seagull, The 32

  Sleaze Then and Now 41

  Sloth, The 32

  Sonnet: The People’s Bell Tower 44

  Starstruck 166

  St Helena 128

  St Lucia 19

  Strictly 115

  Study in Contrasts, A 70

  Suez and Panama 129

  Suffolk 121

  Suitcase, The 165

  Swindlers’ List 42

  Tax Demand 132

  Terms of Endearment 164

  TGV 102

  Theatre of War, The 71

  Time Passing 187

  Tim Hetherington 109

  Toast Rack, The 150

  Tory Dictionary 104

  Trajectories 148

  Truth and Falsehood 186

  Virtues, The 146

  Vitez 25

  Vukovar 22

  Vulture, The 172

  War Crimes Tribunal 161

  War Plugs 31

  War Wounds 147

  War Zones 162

  When Troubles Come 101

  White Christmas 95

  White Suits 30

  Windfall 122

  Wootton Bassett 57